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still waiting...
ryan
Ryan Price joined Mosaic volunteer staff when she was a
teenager and attends Mosaic Pasadena. She co-leads SHE
Connects and Chocolate Leadership. Ryan is passionate about
connecting people to Mosaic and developing our next leaders.
She loves traveling with her husband, reading, hosting friends
for dinner, and teaching eighth grade English. |
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Like many women, I have a plan. I want things done a certain way
and at a certain time. Waiting for things to happen, on someone
else's timetable, just doesn't fit very neatly in my worldview. Delayed gratification is a concept I hold in high contempt. In fact, I
wish I had a remote control like in the Adam Sandler movie Click.
How nice it would be to just press a button and move quickly
through the parts of my life where everyone is telling me to wait.
Take my adolescent years, for example. I wouldn't want to skip it
entirely; there were some great parts; cheerleading, dances, and
football games. On the other hand, I would have liked to have sped
through the waiting parts. waiting to be asked to prom, waiting
to drive, waiting to graduate, waiting to get the college entrance
letter. Waiting sucks.
I waited three-and-a-half years for my husband, Morgan, to ask
me to marry him. I guess it wasn't really that big of a deal. I mean,
eventually, he did seal the deal. But at the time, it was complete
torture. I really hate to wait, even when it’s the most important
part of the process.
For the past three years I've been waiting to have a baby. It's not
like I expect a stork to show up on my doorstep or something.
My husband and I have been trying. But after our continued efforts, I finally decided to see a fertility specialist. As soon as I sat
down she glanced at my charts and said, “Well, you have no more
time to mess around, your biological clock is ticking.” Thanks, Doc.
Here I am at my wits end, trying with all my might to be patient,
and you tell me to, “hurry it up.”
It's such an odd experience; that roller coaster ride of emotions
you go through when you want a child so bad, but no matter how
hard you try, each month brings another round of heartache and
longing. At this point, I just want to know how it's going to turn
out. Then, after I see what happens, I can press rewind and live it
out. It’s like a quote I heard once: “The frustration of uncertainty
is worse than the certainty of frustration.” The suspense of not
knowing seems unbearable at times.
Then in December of last year I found out I was pregnant. Finally!
The impossible was possible. As I felt my soul breathe a sigh of
relief, I thought, maybe the waiting was over. Before I could delight
in this news, my neurotic nature took over and a whole new set
of issues and questions began to arise in my mind. Should I wait
to tell people? How long before I can hear a heartbeat? will I be a
good mother? Unfortunately, I didn't have much time to dwell on
those questions. I miscarried shortly after.
When I knew I was pregnant I allowed my mind to dream and plan
the future with my little one. When that didn't work out, I knew
that I was heading back to the waiting game. At this point I'd been
waiting over three years. I'm tired of waiting.
I realized this way of thinking was getting me nowhere. I needed
to see what God says about waiting. The terms “to wait,” or “waiting,” appear in the Bible 106 times. I've heard “to wait” actually
means to have anxious expectation of what's to come. It can also
mean to twirl or dance. Someone described waiting as looking on
your tiptoes for what's ahead. I love that picture. It reminds me
of when I was little girl waiting for the ice cream truck to come
around the corner: I can hear the truck, I can taste the vanilla on
my lips, but I just don't have it in my hand yet.
What I'm learning is that waiting on God is not passively sitting by.
It's active. It's expectant. It's hopeful. It's not something I need to
fast forward to the end to see how things are played out. I can
make plans and think ahead, but I can't control or fast forward the
parts of life that don't go my way. waiting sometimes takes endurance and pacing. I can't sprint through this season.
I came across a verse from Isaiah 40:31. I've read it numerous
times, but this time I read a different version, “Those who wait
in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar up on wings
like eagles, they will run and not grow weary.” I might be tired of
waiting, but as I look to Him, God will renew my strength. And so,
I wait, on my tiptoes, in anxious expectation for what's to come.
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