|
|
in his time
cheryl smith
Cheryl is on staff at Mosaic Inland. She loves being “Nana” to her 6 grandsons. She has become very passionate about mentoring other women. |
-------------------------
“How did I get here?” I asked myself. “Life is supposed to be ‘happily ever after.’” I couldn’t believe my divorce was final and I would be raising four children on my own. I married my high school sweetheart at the age of 19. We had four sons by the time we had been married six years. I was physically and emotionally abused when my husband sank into his drinking binges. When he drank he became a total stranger, calling me names and belittling me. The more I withdrew the angrier he would become which would lead to him physically abusing me. It didn’t happen all the time and each time it did happen I was sure that it was the last time. I prayed that God would save my marriage and make me a better wife. Unfortunately the abuse began getting worse. With the children getting older, it was getting harder to hide. My husband refused to get help and I realized that it was too dangerous to stay in the relationship. We eventually divorced. I was lonely, scared and emotionally spent. My ex-husband abandoned his sons, leaving the state. On the outside I tried to be super mom, but in the inside I felt like a total failure as a woman.
God poured out His love and mercy on my young family. I had a wonderful support team through my family and church. They would show up unannounced with bags of groceries, take the boys to the park, and include us in their family activities. God opened the door for me to get a job so I could provide for my family. My hope was in my relationship with Jesus. He was the one that I could depend on. I began to remind myself each day what Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” I hoped that verse meant that even my life could be made beautiful.
I wish I could say that the abuse and divorce I endured from my first marriage were the only difficulties that I have faced, but there were many others. I suffered many tough circumstances before that marriage. I also faced several serious hardships after my divorce.
My childhood was difficult. I lived in two worlds, one of cruelty and rejection and one of love and acceptance. I was stricken with polio at the age of two, leaving me with severe facial paralysis. I was stared at, laughed at and rejected. Home was my refuge, my safe haven. My parents and grandparents had a way of making me feel special, very loved and cared for. But that world came crashing down around me when my dad and mom divorced when I was twelve. I learned pretty quickly how to isolate myself and become invisible in a crowd.
My grandmother sent my brother, my sister and me to church every Sunday on the church bus. I had found my new safe haven. I began to connect to people and I didn’t feel like an outsider. Could it be possible that I could belong, be a part of this community? I had a big empty feeling inside and was searching for love and acceptance. I became a follower of Jesus Christ when I was 13.
I met my second husband, Kevin, at church. After running in the opposite direction out of fear of rejection and hurt, I gave in and fell head over heels in love…hard! He treated me with such kindness and respect. We got married and began the challenge of blending two families together. Life had its challenges but things were good. I began to believe again in the dream that I could find the happily ever after yet.
However, Kevin was involved in a work related car accident and he was unable to work and provide for his family. He had ruptured several discs in his lower back and was in severe pain. I had to go from working part time to full time, becoming the sole provider for our family. Depression, anger, and isolation became a part of my husband’s everyday life. He withdrew from God, our family and me. He was in a pretty dark place. Once again I felt
rejected and alone.
“Please, God!” I pleaded. “Please save my marriage and my husband from his self-destructive behavior.” I knew I was losing him and the harder I tried to fix things the worse things got. I clung to the hope I had in Jesus. I believed that something beautiful would come out of all this pain. My husband made some very bad choices that could have destroyed our marriage, but God is a God of restoration. Through the support of my small group and lots of prayer God began to help me to take control of my actions and my attitude. I had to release Kevin over to God. An amazing thing began to happen. God changed Kevin’s heart. It didn’t happen overnight, but with a lot of hard work and respect for one another we are very much in love today.
I didn’t get much time to enjoy our new found happiness. Our youngest son, Joey, had become a victim of a horrible crime. I was devastated, angry, full of guilt for not keeping him safe, afraid. I watched my 12 year old son go from being a happy, carefree child with a zest for life and a smile that lit up a room to an empty shell of a boy with listless eyes and pain way too deep for mom’s hugs to erase. How could I bring my son back to life? Within a year, Joey’s life was defined by rebellion, anger, defiance and depression. He began a long road of self abuse with drugs and alcohol.
I blamed myself. As his mother I was supposed to protect him. Kevin was going through similar feelings, but he had a tendency to express it through anger. We were definitely a family out of control. My other sons somehow managed to excel in school, sports and church. God was protecting them from our pain and dysfunction. During this time God showed me that His love for my family was a hundred thousand times more than my love for my family. I knew I could not give up.
I had to keep my focus on God and not the circumstances that surrounded me. God gave me a promise for Joey in 1993. It is found in Jeremiah 31:16-17 “This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord. “They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future,” declares the Lord. “Your children will return to their own land.” I clung to that promise for fifteen years. There was pain in the journey but there was also peace and assurance that God was in control of my life.
In the midst of this heartache I had to find myself, make a difference in my sphere of influence and begin to live a life that was honoring to God. My husband and I became a part of Celebrate Recovery six years ago. As I began to work on me instead of trying to fix everyone else, God began to heal old hurts and helped me to establish healthier habits and let go of my fears that were keeping me in bondage. I feel like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon, embracing this breathtaking experience called life. I am striving to become the person God created me to be.
Rejection, ridicule, shame, guilt, loneliness and fears had defined me and my choices for so long. No more! I continue to work hard at my recovery. I am living a life of intentionality. People matter to me and I don’t feel threatened by new experiences and new relationships.
Though I was discovering joy in many arenas, I was still waiting for God to help my son, Joey. As we became a part of the community of faith called Mosaic a few years ago, I had one recurring dream. In it, I could see Joey painting in a Sunday gathering at Mosaic. His choices in life had taken him far away from God. There was hopelessness about him. Because I had grown closer to God, however, I had a hope and a promise. I just had to trust and wait for God’s timing. Finally, this past year, Joey became a follower of Jesus Christ. He was baptized and commissioned onto Volunteer Staff at Mosaic. My dream of him painting is now reality. He is on the Visual Arts team at Mosaic Inland.
Motherhood has brought me great joy. I have seen three of my sons serve their country with dignity and honor; two are currently still in active duty. My husband and I are celebrating twenty-three years of marriage. He is the love of my life and my best friend. I am also facing my fears, allowing God to take me to greater heights and awaken dreams and lost hopes to be lived out wide awake! Life has not been easy, but I don’t think I would want to change the experiences that have brought me to this place of contentment and adventure.
I have had an amazing journey and I am truly blessed to be in a season of my life that is filled with God’s presence. His grace and His mercies are new every morning.
|
ministries