hope was right around the corner
by Lisa Seda
Lisa, her wonderful husband of 9 years, and their 4 beautiful children have been at Mosaic since 2006. Lisa loves serving with the SHE Community and looks forward to establishing meaningful relationships with other women. |
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I was about the age of nine when I began to dream of a home, where dad wasn’t drunk and mom wasn’t left crying and alone. Anger and tears consumed my days as I kept thinking “this can’t be the only way.” It was the summer of ‘82 when I finally felt a dream come true. A cousin asked me to babysit one day, and soon another. Finally, a place to be now where I didn’t feel so doomed, I didn’t have to go and hide in my room. Her husband became my friend too; he treated me so nice and, man, was he cool. I didn’t know about certain boundaries. Of course I could trust him; after all he’s almost like family.
Everything seemed to happen so fast, so quickly, and there I was, waking up in the
emergency room at 14 years of age, staring at a baby I had yet to name. Feeling scared beyond measure, yet staring at what I knew was a treasure while wondering, “Will my life ever be the same?” What I knew yesterday seemed like a distant dream; what lay before me was filled with so much uncertainty. Thoughts of “Why don’t I just die here on this table?” This fear is too much, too unbearable, and so were the stares from the nurses like I was a disabled. With every bit of what was left of me, I gave my baby a name — I chose Jessica Marie. As hours drifted by, I felt as though I couldn’t speak. What could I possibly say? It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. She came two weeks too early, she wasn’t supposed to be born today. He told me he had a plan for us to leave — just after Christmas, we were supposed to be gone. I couldn’t face my family with this deep secret I had held on to for so long and the way it all happened was so very, very wrong. He was much older than me, you see, and closely tied in to our family tree. He told me and showed me some things that were not meant to be shared. He made me feel so special and of course at the time no one else seemed to care. Would I find the courage to tell the truth? Where do I begin? What would I say? After all, that little girl that I was yesterday had gone away.
At the hospital, while my family came to visit me, speechless I just took all the glances, took all the blame as they were questioning my chances. I was also visited by child and adoption services; they said they, too, had my best interest at heart, giving me options for a brand new start. “You’re too young” and, “There is too much you’ll miss.” “Oh, and you want to finish school, well how will you accomplish this?“ With no ground to walk on, I felt so helpless, and tired. I just wanted everyone to go away. I couldn’t see myself going through all this another day.
Dad, who had dropped us off three days earlier, was back to pick us up and take us home. Leaving, I didn’t know how to look or how to be, should I feel depressed, upset or appear happy? The ride home was quiet, oh, I just wanted to die. As we turned the corner nearest my home, I noticed my relatives were waiting outside.
When the car stopped, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The car door swung open, and in came an arm outstretched. Lovingly, he just held me in such a way no one had bothered to do since I left the hospital room that day.
One image that sticks close to me that time cannot erase was when my favorite uncle gave me that warm, loving embrace. For now I know that God must have had sent it in HIS place. That hug meant more to me than my uncle will ever know. It brought me grounding when I had none. It reassured me that my life wasn’t over, that I was going to get through okay. It was God’s way of showing me I was very much alive and that I could make it through another day.
Days, months, years following, I was haunted by all the shame and guilt. Even though I defeated the odds and finished high school and entered college. Everyone seemed to have their own opinions about me — when I looked in the mirror I was so confused and unsure of what I was supposed to be. As soon as I thought everything was behind me, these voices were coming and mostly from my family. “Do not hang out with her...She’s too young to know how to care for that baby...Oh, she’ll pop out 10 more kids...Yeah, maybe before she’s twenty...She’s a liar...She is so pitiful...Nobody wanted to see her at the wedding...We’ll make sure we don’t bump into her at the funeral.”
All the while I tried to be the best mom. I held on to some courage and kept pressing on. There were times when I believed that maybe I was too young to know what to do. Could I really teach her more than how to tie a shoe? I just didn’t want to mess up her life too. I may not have known much, but this much was true — I would go through the depths of the earth to bring her everything that was good and pure and true. I’d go through all I needed to, to stop any shame; anything to make sure she never felt this pain.
When I accepted Jesus as my Savior at 16 and was part of a church family, I was hoping that God could make me whole again, complete again, ME again. I was always praying and reading His Word. I had already asked him to come into my life, but I also believed something that I had once heard — God only accepts the perfect and the ones that are holy. If you are not, don’t bother, you are not considered worthy! I somehow believed all this, so I spent the next few years of my life wandering in the wilderness. "Surely I couldn’t go to church, I‘d be such a hypocrite. Well, I’ll come back one day when I’m completely perfect," I thought. I knew that God wanted to have a relationship with me — I was reading His Word since I was ten. But if He could not accept me now, then when?
I made so many bad decisions I didn’t really want to make. But since my life was in my own hands, I was spiraling into a much darker place and too busy to see that the truth was right in front of my face. The girl that I saw in the mirror, God told me He loved her so very much. It is not fair what she had gone through and it was for all those reasons that Jesus hung on the cross.
He did have me and my baby in mind, and has been with us the whole entire time.
He heard all my cries, even when I welcomed him into my heart. He showed me that I was a fighter, but that I needed to stop. All that I have been fighting for, HE has already given me, and I just needed to trust in HIM and in HIS will for me, to be FREE.
“Be still and know that I am God” - Psalm 46:10
As time passed by I heard so many lies surrounding my story. I never got anything from that man; I never even heard the word “sorry.” He did go away — oh, that much he kept true. I never allowed my dad to have his way with him. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. God allowed my dad to walk me down the aisle and to see me marry my best friend; he passed away shortly after. This is for you dad, so that the truth may forever reign.
My prayer goes out to those who are looking and searching for a way out or a way around — to find that HOPE is found the moment you decide to go through it. When I came to Christ, I shared the love of God with some of my family, even the ones who taunted and accused me, the ones that made me feel so unhappy. I had forgiven them and knew how much God loved them too. If they would only allow HIM in, they could feel anew. But it wasn’t their time, it wasn’t what they wanted and as the years passed by I had doubts if that was ever going to happen. When they did come to trust Christ, it was during a difficult time in my life, when I was so tired of feeling defeated, tired of all the guilt, tired of feeling depleted. Tired of trying to earn God’s love, tired of being consumed by shame, tired of going to bed with pain and waking up feeling the same. It was during this time that they asked me to forgive them; for how they watched as I was ill-treated and said nothing, for not standing up for my innocence, instead, blamed me for everything. They said how truly sorry they were and that it was definitely not my fault, they said they know that God wanted to restore our family and that this was a good place to start.
If I ever knew there was a God, it had to be right there and then, HE had it planned all along how and when HE would use them. How amazing, that the same people that had been so unkind, had me see God face to face, it was during this very moment that HE used them to revive my faith.
HE showed me that HIS ways are clearly not my ways and though there was a cost, HE has truly restored me completely and all that I had lost.
I am FREE to say that
I am delivered
I am healed,
I am restored,
I am a wife,
I am a mom of 4,
I am me
I am whole,
I am SHE.
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