exit stage right
Sandra Fowles
Sandra
lives in El
Segundo and
attends the South
Bay gathering. She
loves volleyball, music, and seeing
people (including herself) live freely
and authentically. She does not have it
all figured out. |
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Have you ever lost your way in life?
Strayed so far from the self-identity
you felt so sure of that you didn’t even
recognize your face in the mirror?
I never thought that I would be one of
those girls who would compromise
herself for a guy. I shook my head in pity
when I saw women desperately transform
themselves in an effort to please their
significant other. “Where was their
self-respect and self-esteem?” I’d ask
myself. I had always considered myself a
very confident, secure, strong person—I
was more than convinced that I would
never walk in their shoes…and then
Alex* came crashing into my life. I met
him at work and immediately decided
he wasn’t my type. And he wasn’t—he
was short, a bit stocky, non-athletic, and
heavy-handed with the hair gel. At first,
I didn’t give him a second (romantic)
thought. But then he started to pursue
me, and I began to respond. Ultimately,
we fell in love. Sure, there were some
problems in our relationship from the
get-go, but there were also many good
things. I remember thinking to myself,
‘Every relationship has problems, right?’
I explained away and justified each and
every red flag.
But amidst my making excuses, my
life was changing drastically. What
I explained away as an effort to build
up and invest in my relationship, was
the beginning of my compromise with
things that were deeply important to
me. I stopped going to church. I also
began cutting off communication with
certain friends Alex didn’t care for.
Before long, I found myself filtering all of
my decisions through this new thought
system in my brain, ‘What would Alex
want me to do?’ Believe me, I know
how pathetic this sounds in retrospect.
It’s hard for me to even put these words
down on paper. I thought I was Miss
I’m-a-strong-young-woman-who-knowsherself-
through-and-through-and-I’llnever-
be-like-those-girls. It’s still hard
for me to face the fact that I allowed
someone such control over my life. But
the fact is that I did. I have since come to
believe it can happen to anyone.
After about two years of a relatively
happy relationship, things started to
go bad. I found my mind and heart
constantly consumed with anxious
thoughts and plagued with worries. I
often expressed my growing concerns
and emotional anguish to my dad and
a few close friends. I knew my heart was
not at peace, but I was so used to this
way of life that I wondered if I had the
strength to make a change. After months
of confusion, disappointment, sadness,
worry, and tears, I finally felt hopeless.
I knew my relationship was messed up,
and I wasn’t happy with my life, or with
who I had become. But I was too scared
to do anything about it. Finally, Alex and
I made a mutual decision to break up. I
cried as I drove home from his house.
I grieved the loss of a relationship as
well as the self-neglect I had put myself
through for so long. “Now what?” I
thought to myself. For two and a half
years so much of my life had been
defined by this thing that had suddenly
ended. I didn’t know what to do next.
With the end of my relationship with
Alex came plenty of time to stare my
soul in the face. I started to realize how
far I had strayed from anything having
to do with God. I had really become a
different person. Something in my spirit
seemed to have died, and I wanted it
back. Having no idea where to begin, I
decided to check out a Mosaic women’s
life group. My heart was beating in
nervous anticipation that first Thursday
night meeting, but the girls in the group
were so inviting, warm, and seemingly
authentic that I found myself becoming
hopeful. Although I felt a big part of my
heart resist and want to run in the other
direction, something made me want to
go back the following week. During that
second meeting, we were asked to share
about struggles in our lives.
When it was my turn, I took a deep
breath and said, “When I listen to
people talk about God and Christianity,
my heart recoils and feels cold…almost
angry. I’ve become so jaded that I’m
not even sure I want anything to do
with God, Jesus, or Christianity in
general.” I wasn’t sure how the others
would react, but the girls in the group
graciously respected my answer. It was
refreshing to speak so honestly about
the state of my heart without the fear
of judgment. I continued to attend the
women’s group each Thursday night. My
heart was very slow to thaw, but I felt
myself inching ever so closer to God
as I started to re-discover His truth,
promises, and love.
All of this led to an amazing moment on
January 4, 2009. That morning I drove
by myself to the first Mosaic gathering
of the New Year. I found a seat in the
high school auditorium just as the
band was wrapping up its opening
songs. Someone took the stage, shared
some personal insights, and then said
that they just wanted to give us some
time and space to “hear from God”.
The band resumed its playing, and
I just sat there and started to talk to
God with as much honesty as I could muster—I spewed out words and thoughts about my confusion,
my disbelief, doubt, and distance. Finally, I told myself to just
shut up and listen. The words of the song began to flood my
ears and saturate my thoughts…a few tears started to gather
at the corners of my eyes. Suddenly, the words of the chorus
reverberated throughout the auditorium—“This is a love song
for you.” These words were like an electric shock to my heart.
This was a worship song, meant to be sung as praise to God,
but a rich and overpowering sensation came over me. I felt God
whispering to me, “Sandra, listen…these are my words to you.”
Suddenly, my chest jerked…my shoulders heaved…and the tears
started to rain down my cheeks. You know those times when you
are crying and just can’t catch your breath? Your lungs only allow
you to inhale in jagged, choking gulps of air? It was that kind
of crying. Here I was, having lost my way…wondering if I could
really ever have an authentic, raw belief in and love for God…
and when I finally stopped my anxious blabbing, His message
to me was simple and unexpected. “I love YOU, Sandy.” In that
moment I felt God’s love for me was so great, and strong enough
to deal with my craziness, my doubts, my dragging feet, and my
fickle heart. His love for me had not changed, waned, tired, or
faltered. Throughout the past three years, as my heart ebbed
and flowed, as I was more and more unsure of who I was, as I
distanced myself from Him and rejected His advances and offers
of salvation, His love for me had stayed firm, passionate, and
true. In that moment, my heart was broken.
“What does this mean, God?” I asked. “You want vulnerability?
Well, here it is. I don’t know what these tears mean. I don’t even
know what I think—what I feel. Will You show me? Is my heart,
this soul, this mind, body, life, even capable of believing in
something like You? SHOW ME…”
It’s been about seven months since I went to that first life group
meeting…eight since Alex and I broke up. My relationship with
God is nowhere near perfect. I haven’t “arrived,” nor have I
figured it all out. And you know what? It’s all good. I’m starting
to think that this is right where I’m supposed to be…I’m right
on track. Losing myself and ending up empty handed gave me
an opportunity to rediscover myself….to exit, stage right, and
come back anew. I still often feel like a mess. I sometimes doubt
whether or not I’ll ever know what it means to really love and
serve God. But what I do know is this: I am taking steps, ever
so small and steady, in the right direction…toward the One with
unfailing love for me. The burdens of the past few years have
been lifted from my heavy heart, and my hope is growing…I feel
free to be myself again…I feel free to live.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to
me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you
how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch
how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay
anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and
you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Matthew 11:28-29
(The Message).
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* Name has been changed. Back to herstory.
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