a new fragrance of life
It is the joy and delight of a woman to give birth to her first child. A mother is so elated that the horrendous pain of childbirth soon escapes her memory. Cradling her baby for the first time becomes a defining moment. Then there are those who find they cannot have the children they so badly want. The cries of a barren woman come from the deepest places of intense grief. It is a despair and emptiness that many women must travel through, for a season or a lifetime. Then there’s me—somewhere in between the two, yet in a completely different category. I was twenty-one and unmarried when I found out that I was pregnant. A wave of shock was followed by an ocean of shame, until I let denial take over. It took a kidney infection and a trip to the hospital to confirm that I was pregnant, and even then I still argued! I didn’t plan for my life to end up this way. In my naïve reality, I didn’t even realize that pregnancy was possible. But God did. And looking back, I know that He held me up through it all, even when I felt like falling. While my story seemed bitter and hopeless at the time, it now smells like the sweetest fragrance of life that I have ever known. My story is about redemption and adoption.
My Christian walk has gone through many seasons including times filled with twisted forests of rebellion. Because of much loss and pain during my teenage and early college years, my love for the Lord was often shaded by my intense anger toward men. My life became a constant struggle. In the midst of it all, I got pregnant by my on-again, off-again boyfriend. At that time, my involvement with my church was minimal and I didn’t have much support from friends or family members. It had always been the secret desire of my heart to have lots of kids, but I certainly wasn’t ready to be a mom yet. My boyfriend wasn’t ready to be a father either. He dealt with the conflict by running, and he never turned back.
When the birthfather skipped town, he left me only a note. In it, he stated that he supported adoption. He knew that I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy. He knew we couldn’t get married. He knew he had to leave. It was a long struggle for me, going through the process of deciding between parenting and adoption. I really wanted to keep my baby, but I just didn’t think I had enough help. I was emotionally and financially in shambles. My family was emotionally and financially in shambles. My mom had nothing to offer at that time, except a place to live while I tried to figure it all out. I stood in the Chicago welfare line and signed up for public aid. I met with many different types of counselors and went to church groups that supported single moms. In my spirit, nothing felt right. The knot in the pit of my stomach never went away. There was one factor in all of this that was unacceptable to me. I absolutely couldn’t let this child be raised without a father. I knew that I constantly struggled with the effects of losing my own father after my parents’ separation and ultimate divorce. I truly believed that this baby deserved to live and deserved to grow up with a good father. That was my deciding factor.
It was the hardest decision of my life. It was a lesson in selflessness that I cannot say I enjoyed. Eventually, I chose parents that wanted to allow open adoption. My precious Joe was born on December 22nd. The best Christmas gift I ever got was to spend four days with my son before placing him in his new mother’s arms. It was a bittersweet day I will never forget. The Lord was with me every moment of the whole experience and I never felt shamed by him for what I did. I could feel the warmth of His fatherly smile.
Today, Joe plays on the grade school basketball team. He loves baseball, football, the trumpet, singing in the choir, playing checkers, and hanging out with his grandpa. He wants to be a doctor just like his dad. I can go visit him any time I wish. Currently, I go see him about twice a year. Last summer, we played catch in the park. This Christmas I listened to his choir solo and we decorated homemade gingerbread men in his kitchen. It is obvious that Joe has more confidence in himself than I do. Every time I see him, I know that I did the right thing. He loves his family, he loves the Lord and he certainly loves to beat me at Yatzee!
Joe’s mom and dad now have four children. After their first child, doctors told them that they would never have anymore. Three open adoptions later, their family is more extended than they ever thought possible. It is a testimony to the glory of God!
I am thankful for the Lord’s power to redeem and make all things new. He was faithful to me when I was not faithful to Him. God did not abandon me for a second. He led me through each step of my decision-making process. He has wiped every tear from my eyes and given me joy-filled relationship with Joe. As parents do what is best for their children, the Lord knows what is best for us. “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord… ‘plans to give you a hope and a future’…” (Jeremiah 29:11) Sometimes, the Lord’s plans include new categories and breaking new ground. I am proud to be a birthmother. It has brought me closer to the Lord and forever changed my life.
The author is excited to have just graduated Summa Cum Laude! She has been attending Mosaic since September 2005.
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