more than a matter of life and death
The tile of the bathroom felt cold to my bare feet as I waited anxiously for the results of the home pregnancy test I had just taken. When the positive sign appeared, tears welled up in my eyes. How could I possibly take care of four kids? I had already delivered three healthy children one year after another. I knew I was a good mother and truly loved having my three so close together, but how could I do another baby too? I felt even worse at my lack of joy for this child, which only made me more upset.
I worked hard at convincing myself that I would be fine and that I needed to see the gift that God was blessing me with. I was entrusted with another life to take care of and hopefully raise to somehow change the world…at least my world.
My tears fell again four months later as I looked at the ultra sound of my baby girl who no longer had a heart beat. Now she was gone. Why?? Why would God give her to me only to take her away? Why did I have to go through this when it all seemed so pointless? A deep sadness filled my soul as I stood in front of my daughter Trinity Grace’s tiny casket. I stared at my other two daughters and wondered what would she have looked like at their age. What would her personality have been?
Later, as my husband and I sat on our couch, I looked at our family pictures and wept at the fact that Trinity’s picture would never be on our walls. I couldn’t bear the thought of looking into my children’s rooms and not seeing her playing there with them. I will never forget the words my husband said to me that day. “She was never meant to look like anything other than a 9 ounce baby.” He said. “She was not created to play in the rooms with the other children. Her purpose is different. We need to thank God for giving us a daughter that we will forever spend eternity with. That is our gift.”
Two years later as I was shopping with my mom for a gift for my father’s 50th surprise party, we got a call that my sister, Mara, was in intensive care struggling for her life. We were shocked. Just six hours earlier we had talked to Mara who has just given birth to her new son. What happened in those six hours?
That night was the longest of my life. My sister Dawn and I prayed and talked and talked and prayed until there was nothing more to be said. Then we begged God to spare Mara’s life. I said to Dawn that I new Mara could not die, because we prayed for her all night and I knew that God had to hear our prayers. Then Dawn said to me something that would forever change my worldly view of eternity: “ Danielle, we all have to die. There is a time for each of us, and this could be Mara’s.”
That truth was almost unbearable for me to accept. Eternity was something that was in our future not in our present. But, like Trinity, Mara died. I had to face the truth that God has numbered all our days and we need to live for eternity now, not waiting for it to begin.
There was no answer to why or how, it just was. Life is not about us and what we think should make sense. Life is about eternity, actually, life is eternity, a part of it at least. Our future begins now…not later. We hear that death isn’t the end it’s only the beginning, but actually the beginning is right now. The way we view God and His eternal kingdom will affect the way we live today. Our closeness to Him will not be determined when we die. It will be determined each day by how close we get to Him now. When I wake up I think, I am one day closer to holding my little Trinity, one day closer to seeing my sister Mara, one day closer to being with my Lord!!!
I thank God for revealing His mystery of death. Once we understand the true meaning, we are able to experience God’s true peace that passes all understanding.
So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are home or away, we make it our aim to please Him.
"Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."
- 2 Corinthians 5:6-9
My husband and I moved our family of 6 from Chicago to LA in 2005. We felt the Lord was leading us out here. I'm a stay at home mother of four and I also own my own home-based business. We've been married for almost eight years and feel that we've lived a lot of "life" together.
- Danielle
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