from ashes to beauty
"I don’t want to continue this relationship anymore. I don’t enjoy hearing your voice. I don’t ever look forward to seeing you. And I don’t want to spend anymore time with you." Those piercing words should never be uttered by any man to any woman. Yet, those were the exact words that were spoken to my face the summer of 2003.
My hopes and desires to enter into a beautiful, lifelong marriage were shattered once again that gloomy Sunday afternoon when Brian* blindsided me with his disdainful, cold declarations. As I walked back into my apartment, I distinctly remember crying out to Jesus in agony. "I can’t do this anymore! I’ve had my heart broken too many times. Never, again!"
Little did I know God had already divinely orchestrated the ending of our relationship to usher me into a season that would transform the course of my entire life. Over the past three years, God has revealed to me piece by piece how miserable my life would have been if He had not rescued me from Brian, and from our unsatisfying, passionless relationship. Somehow, I had convinced myself that I was a fool to believe that God would honor my deepest longing for a life partner. Didn’t He know that I yearned to share my life with a man who would invest in me, adore me, and serve my precious Jesus alongside me? Sure, Brian looked so great on paper: Stanford graduate, good upbringing, and handsome. However, the bottom line was that I had settled for someone who had fallen asleep and was unable to trust that God had destined us for greatness.
If God had not rushed in to save me from my own folly and stubbornness, I would not be able to testify of His great mercy, supernatural healing, and powerful freedom! Today, I can wholeheartedly say that my face is lovely, that my voice is sweet, and that I am adored by the Lover of my soul (Song of Songs 2:10-14). I know these things not because a man has whispered it into my ear, but because the Creator of the Universe has esteemed me enough to whisper it into the depths of my soul. God stripped away the agony of a man’s rejection, releasing me to experience His hand molding my character and strengthening me to look beyond my deep hurt.
I could never have predicted that in three short years, I would have gone from being a graduate student, immersed only in my own learning, to a professional educator, and now to directing KidsMosaic! Instead of focusing solely on my needs the past three years has been a season where God has stretched me to serve Mosaic families, developing them into leaders within their own communities. As God has harnessed His healing in my life to restore others, He has grown my desire for Mosaic children and families to reach the hurting and lonely youth of Los Angeles through their own creative experiences. Had I never been compelled to weep again and again at the feet of Christ, I would never have known how to depend on Him with the desperation necessary to care for and inspire His precious children.
I wish I could say that I am now happily married, or even engaged. There are days when I still feel a great heaviness as I wait for an earthly love to fulfill the deep desires of my heart. Yet, it is in those times that I choose to focus on the truths that God has already spoken into my life. I cling to the promise that God is the One who continues to transform my personal heartache into a message of hope for others.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners ... and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes ..." - Isaiah 61:1, 3
* His actual name has been changed to protect his identity.
Eileen works full-time on the Mosaic Lead Team, overseeing KidsMosaic. She loves dancing, eating sushi, and learning new languages.
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