this too shall pass
God whispers, “Let him fall.”
Let him fall? Fall? Now? Here? I can’t, I’ll lose my husband, the father of my child, my soul mate, my one true love.
The late nights were normal. Being married to a successful music executive in LA required me to be a bit more relaxed than the average wife might have been. Marvin had always worked late in the studio, or was out working deals at some hot LA eatery. Lately, though, the behavior became stranger, the tense moments around the house more common, the daily disappearances more frequent, the alibis less believable.
As the relationship became more strained, my attempt to control the situation, to force normality in the most abnormal of situations only exacerbated the problem. Marvin’s inner turmoil pushed him further towards the brink, while I desperately tried to pull him back. Unfortunately, the wounded animal is always distrustful...and quicker to bite the helping hand.
At first my kindness came across as weakness. I was so naïve, I really thought that if I just kept telling him how much this was hurting the family, me, and of course himself, that he would see the light and stop ruining his life. But I never realized the power of addiction and how it can change a thoughtful, rational, caring husband into an insensitive stranger. As my attempts to control things got worse, I realized my desire to salvage this once healthy and vibrant relationship was slowly doing it in.
It was then that God spoke. “Let him fall,” he said. “You are blocking me, you are trying to save him, but you must let me have him, and trust me” And with it came a vision: I was standing on the edge of a cliff, with my hands behind my back, and Marvin was jumping off, alone. I knew something was going to happen, but I was powerless. I could see three possible outcomes: Marvin would end up in prison, I would get a call from the LA county morgue to identify his body, or perhaps, most impossibly, God would heal us. But I knew whatever the outcome I had to trust God.
At that moment my turmoil turned to freedom. God had asked that I give Marvin over to him completely, and with that, God began to work in me. I felt God wanted me to hold a Bible Study in our home and that I should prepare my home. I started painting the house and doing minor changes. It was about that time that Marvin was arrested for the first time. I was doing my best to be obedient; I was letting God control the situation, why did the arrest come? But deep inside I knew that God had not promised that there would be no pain just that if I trusted him, he would get me through it. As I began to surrender my will to God’s, with each painful event I experienced more peace.
But the air of uncertainty still hung over our house and Marvin began to take a turn for the worst. It was Christmas Eve when I got the call; Marvin had been arrested a second time. Our Christmas was ruined. How was I going to tell our 7 year old son, Madison, that his dad would not be home on Christmas Day? The forecast for a family recovery was growing ever more grim. This time I would not bail him out, and as Marvin sat alone in jail, fighting his own demons, I tried to confront mine. Deep in prayer, I struggled to find some sense of normalcy in our lives. Marvin eventually was released, but the time back out on the street was short lived.
During this short-lived time, a turning point came for Marvin. God used our son Madison to convict Marvin, reaching out to him in perhaps the only way left. Marvin was to pick up Madison from school, but was out getting high instead. He showed up late, an all-too frequent occurrence at this point for Madison. When he finally arrived, Madison asked Marvin why he was late. Marvin lied and said he had a flat tire. Madison accepted the story on one condition: “Show me the tire.” Madison’s unbelieving eyes cut straight through Marvin’s soul. It broke him. Then, behind a convenience store, Marvin met with God, cried the tears that needed to fall, and the healing process began. On Valentine’s Day, he was arrested for the 3rd and final time.
Finally Marvin accepted God’s will for his life and submitted to entering into a faith- based rehab center and taking the steps necessary to making his life normal once again. But the pain I felt had scarred me deeply, causing me to fear loving him. I told God that I did not want to be in love with Marvin again, I would love him as a friend, but I would not be vulnerable to being hurt so deeply. I felt a righteous indignation, declaring “God, don’t you dare let me fall in love with him again!”
I thank God that he didn’t listen to me, as we are more in love now than we have ever been. Marvin finally had surrendered to Christ, and rededicated his life to God and our family (in that order!) Looking back I did more than regain a husband and family through this difficult time, I also gained invaluable wisdom. Up until this point, I had always wanted to save everyone from pain, but I know now that God uses pain to teach us and make us grow. It was during this time of pain and struggle, and seemingly unbearable situations that I learned to trust God no matter what, and to allow him to make me stronger in the process.
"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope."
- Romans 5:3-4
"I was born in England. I came to the U.S. in 1980. I asked Jesus into my life in 1981. I have worked as a personal assistant for a writer/journalist for the past 15 years. I have been married to Marvin for 21 years and we have a son, Madison, who is 11 years old."
- Jean
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