real love
“Will you marry me?"
How long I’d desired to hear those words! Yet as Larry sat before me in my home waiting for my response, I found myself hesitating. I felt in my heart that he wasn’t right for me. When we met, he didn’t have a job. At the time of his proposal, I was twenty-four and he was only nineteen. On top of that, we were both partying. Yet, I didn’t want to be alone. I desperately craved the love of a male that I’d never had. My father died when I was only six. My step-father abused me. Since I wasn’t really his child, he used to get mad at me for every little thing. He often tried to hit me with a two by four while I tried desperately to protect myself from its impact. He called me stupid and I guess I believed him. I was so insecure that I had a terrible problem with overeating. I was so fat that I didn’t think anyone would ever want to marry me. Yet here was Larry asking me to be his wife. So, though Larry was far from being the man of my dreams, I said yes to his proposal. In a small church in Northern California, we vowed to love, honor, and cherish each other until death made us part.
Only about a year into our marriage, those vows were already broken. Because Larry failed to come home at night some times, I suspected he was cheating on me. I didn’t feel I could trust him. I’d caught him lying to me. I decided we needed to be separated, so I moved in with his mom. While we were separated, I found out that I was pregnant with his child. Not long after that, I went home to where he was still living and found him with another woman. I was devastated. It was one thing to suspect there was someone else, but quite another to see my husband with a girl friend.
I moved from Northern California to Los Angeles. My sister invited me to a Billy Graham Crusade. In my desperation for help, I went. I ended up asking Jesus to be my Lord and savior that night. The crusade people encouraged those of us who made that decision to find a church right away. God led me to Mosaic.
I started getting counsel from a counselor at Mosaic named Robert Martinez. He encouraged me not to divorce my husband. I decided to follow his advice because I thought it was the right thing to do. So, even though Larry had affairs about every seven months and left me for the other women, I always took him back. We had two sons together. Even when he was living with us, I felt alone. I realized that being married and feeling alone was much worse than being single and feeling alone. We stayed married for ten long years. Finally, he met someone else he wanted to marry and divorced me.
Three years after Larry divorced me, I left the church. I was angry with God. I thought if I was faithful and did the right thing and didn’t divorce my husband, things would work out with Larry. However, when I stopped to listen to God, He said, “Linda, I never told you to marry that guy. How could you be mad at me? You made your own choice.” I realize now that if we marry out of God’s will, there is going to be consequences. I married Larry for my own selfish reasons. That mistake not only impacted me; it also negatively impacted my children. When you make wrong choices, it affects everyone even into next generations.
“Will you marry me?”
This time, the question came from Jeff as we sat in a nice restaurant. Jeff and I attended Mosaic off and on together, but we were also living together. At first when he proposed, I said yes and we set a date. I was uncertain if I should marry him. I was afraid for my children to have a step-father because I was afraid that a step-father would not be able to love my kids as his own. Mine hadn’t. I sought wise counsel. I didn’t want to marry the wrong person again. I met with Robert Martinez again and asked him what he thought. He told me that we’d need to stop living together. We didn’t want to stop living together; but I knew that Robert was right. I also felt that I heard God say that I needed to decide if I was going to marry Jeff or follow Him. I knew that Jeff was not God’s best for me. I chose to follow God. I turned down Jeff’s proposal.
I chose to trust God – not a husband – to meet my needs and those of my sons. And He did. When one of my sons was struggling, I pleaded with God to provide a godly male role model for him. God was faithful. For six years now, Jimmy Hudson has spent time with Justin every week. He loved Justin and accepted him unconditionally. Jimmy gave my son stability.
God has also been faithful to provide for our material and practical needs. I’ve been a single parent for over a decade now, and Larry never gave me a cent during that time. Yet, God has always provided for us everything that we have needed. Once I couldn’t figure out how to get my son picked up from school. I prayed for God to provide a ride for him. Right after praying, a Dial-a-Ride bus drove past me. Dial-a-Ride (which is really for the elderly) agreed to go out of their way to pick Justin up from school for only fifty cents a day! I know God was behind that.
God also provided me with a big loving family that I never had. I met Nora, one of my best friends, at Mosaic. She has kids the same ages as mine and our kids were friends. She has 8 brothers and sisters and one of the sisters said to me once, “See how God provided you with a family?” I am expected to be at all their family functions and they love me as their own.
Now that my kids are seventeen and twenty years old, I would consider marrying again. If I ever get another marriage proposal, I will consult God and not settle for less than God’s best for me. And, I will still look to God – not my husband – to meet my needs. God has proven Himself to be a father to the fatherless, a provider, and faithful. He will never leave me or fail me like men have. He has given me the real love from a male that I have always desired.
Linda's story.
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