my journey to the edge
“Just want to be free from the grip of this hell, to see God’s love for my shape
Able to stand up confident to tell, the world of my narrow escape
From a place of darkness and black-blinded vision
A cage trapped in self and denial
To a life lived in God’s perfect precision
A feat fought and won, my great trial
LORD, come and save me, grant me freedom divine
A freedom that only you own
A life that is yours, completely not mine,
The assurance I’m never alone.”
Today: August 8th 2003. Age:21. Height: 5’10”. Weight: 139. Life: Complicated.
My slow descent into the throws of my eating disorder was carefully and meticulously documented through my journal, artwork, and poetry. After all, one of the common denominators among eating disorder patients is their drive for perfectionism. So, of course, my journal is very thorough. At first glance you might see some prayers, some nice paintings, read some sad thoughts, or witness the pain of searching. But, what I see now in those crumpled pages is my life’s hardest blessing and God’s favor for someone he calls “Beautiful”.
Today: September 19th 2003. Age: 21. Height: 5’10”. Weight 128. Life: Who Cares?!?
It’s kind of ironic how most often when you are at your lowest point you find yourself in a physically lowly position. For me, it was on my knees in my bathroom. It was the first time I tried to purge, and the first place I admitted to myself that I had a problem. I never thought I would be the person to have an eating disorder. In fact, I didn’t really realize I had a problem until I landed myself in the ER with heart problems and saw “Anorexic” written on my chart. Even from the hospital bed I thought, “They have to be joking!” But, when I had to drop out of my senior year in college because of my slipping grades and lack of concentration, I decided to admit myself into a clinic.
Today: October 13th 2003. Age: 21. Height: 5’10”. Weight: 115. Life: Consumed (1st day in clinic).
On my first day of clinic I was introduced to the group. My “Christian” bubble was popped when I realized I would spend the next six months with drug addicts, cutters, alcoholics, bulimics, and chain smokers. I felt like I didn’t belong. I cried. I didn’t understand why I was put with these people. “I was just dieting!” I cried out to God, “Why?” God answered me, but in some of the most subtle ways. Ironically, I woke up every day with an energy and joy that was unexplainable. I had been joy-less for so long, but for some reason I became the beloved joy-giver of the group. In fact, I realized that these misfits who I felt so different from were actually the only people who really understood me. They started asking me about God and faith and hope, and I again asked God, “Why me?” He was able to use me at my lowest point and in my most hopeless place to be a light to those who needed it most. It was then that I began to understand that sometimes what we see as our pain could be someone else’s hope.
Today: February 19th 2006. Age: 23. Height: 5’10” Weight: Who Cares?!? Life: Changed.
It’s amazing how sometimes we need to be taken to the edge of the grave before we find life. For me, it was at the edge that I found my real self. It’s been a long process, but I see now that God just needed to lay the foundation under my feet. It’s the foundation that I can finally feel beneath me. It’s the foundation that now, finally, I can confidently stand firm on and claim: “I am loved; I am beautiful; I am chosen; I am Alive!”
I see my recovery as a miracle and stand in awe of the freedom that God has granted me from a disease that claims so many. I have since gone on to complete college and am now searching for the next journey God has to take me down. I live to be a testimony of God's grace, redemption, encouragement, and hope through sharing my story and journey to freedom.
- Megan
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