first love

I used to feel that if God existed, He got satisfaction out of watching me struggle from a distance, knowing that I would keep going in circles. God was a bully. He was selfish, aloof, egocentric and got pleasure out of scolding and punishing – like an abuser. My idea of who God is was skewed. I believed that God blessed people randomly and that maybe I wasn’t intelligent enough to be blessed. God had too many people to choose from and so I was never chosen because I was lacking in something or other.

I looked at the world around me and concluded that God had limited powers and had let me down. To me, He wasn’t almighty and all-knowing. I didn’t have much faith in Him. Instead I believed in luck, not blessings. I believed in luck but my rabbit’s foot never seemed to work and I wasn’t making it onto God’s calendar, not even to be penciled in – so it seemed.

I grew up with religion and at one point became an agnostic. There were times when I was made to go to church alone while the adults stayed in. I went to church faithfully until I was about 17 years old, which is about the time I ran away from my legal guardian. I moved in with my sister who is eighteen years my senior. With good intentions, she said that I didn’t need to go to church every Sunday. She explained that God lives everywhere and that I could pray right here at home.

I thought it was a brilliant idea. Unfortunately, with all my years of kneeling at the pews, I had never learned how to pray. God intimidated me. I had learned to recite “Our Father” and “Hail Mary” but realized I only knew the words when I recited it in unison. I stopped going to church and mainly went on Easter Sunday, and some years I even made it to midnight mass. I had lived surrounded by negativity and abuse and if I heard any prayer, it was prayer motivated by fear. I didn’t know anything about giving God praise; I only knew how to complain.

Intellectually, I was curious about God. I even read books like “When Bad Things Happen To Good People” to help appease my resentment toward God. I took a few religion classes, but that only helped turn me into an agnostic. I had never believed that Satan existed and now I doubted God’s existence as well. In a way, I crowned myself my own god. It would take many years for me to denounce myself, give up my crown and begin to praise and worship the One who would become my first love.

I was about thirty years old the day I came to Christ. I had been living with my ex-fiancé who is Muslim. He wasn’t sure he wanted to marry me and I was crushed. On top of that, I was also unhappy with every aspect of my life and still questioned my worth as a human being. Many times when I awoke and realized that I was still breathing and saw a hint of daylight, I would ask God in anger, “Why another day? Why?” The sight of daylight brought on fear and anxiety, knowing that I’d have to get up and live another yesterday.

I came to Christ feeling defeated, depressed, frustrated, empty, and incomplete.

It wasn’t even a Sunday. One day after work I decided to go to a church convention in New York of a pastor I saw on television. I was desperate and needed help and didn’t know how desperate until I got to the convention. The pastor talked about how much God loved us. He said that God knew every hair on our heads and if we make the decision to give our lives to Jesus, God will give us what we need to follow through on our decision.

In tears, I humbled myself before Jesus that day. I felt that if there weren’t another way, someday my life would be over by choice. I told God that I’d do anything He needed of me and to please show me a sign that He is really here and that there is more to this life. God responded to me right away. Something happened within me, and I knew life would never be the same. I died that day and was born again with a new heart and an amazing new outlook on life.

I wasn’t expecting something that would change me for the rest of my life. In Him I found much more than I bargained for: life, unconditional love, friendship, guidance, forgiveness, compassion, inspiration, joy, solace and a Lord and Savior. As the days went on, I started to see beauty and value in everything.

All these years, I had been confusing God with the enemy and in error also making Him equal to man. I saw how my hesitations about teenage suicide had been God prolonging my life so that I could find Him. I began to see how God had always been present (in spite of my imperfections) waiting with boundless love, patience and understanding, protecting and providing for me. I wake up every morning inspired by His love and loyalty, thankful that I’m alive and grateful for daylight.

Nadege is a native of Haiti who grew up in Boston and is now living in and loving Los Angeles

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